


Distrust of Self

by r2q5



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, not sexualized
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-26 19:28:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12065508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r2q5/pseuds/r2q5
Summary: Hux re-examines an incident from his childhood.





	Distrust of Self

**Author's Note:**

> Make sure you read the tags.

Hux was nervous.

Kylo found it endearing. The way Hux blushed and turned his head after Kylo kissed him, too embarassed to meet his eyes. The subtle, almost imperceptible shake in his hands when they wrapped around Kylo’s back.

Kylo leaned down to kiss him gently on the lips. They had gotten farther tonight than they ever had, and it had been a long time coming. Their relationship was progressing far slower than what Kylo was used to, but that was okay. He was okay with taking as long as Hux needed, and that kind of patience was new to him. In between the violence and brutality of the rest of his life, the gentleness was a suprisingly welcome change.

Hux was vastly different here than anywhere else in his life. He was hesitant, almost shy. Clearly eager, but obviously inexperienced. It was nothing like what Kylo had expected, but he found that he loved it.

It had started with shy kisses and progressed to hesitant grinding, clumsy hands and awkward hard-ons. Hux would look far too nervous to go any further, despite being clearly aroused. Kylo would back off, retreating back to his own quarters after a while, furiously jacking off in the shower and imagining what it would be like when they finally got under each other's clothes. He wasn't used to delayed gratification, but he knew it would be worth it.

They were making good progress today. They were both stripped down to their underwear and laying on the bed, and Kylo was hoping today would be the day he could finally give Hux the pleasure he seemed so hesitant to receive. He hoped that once Hux experienced how good it could feel, the anxiety would be lessened.

Kylo was crouched over him, kissing him fervently and running his hands all over his body. Hux was trembling, and as much as Kylo treasured the uncharacteristic shyness, he wanted him to be comfortable.

“Have you done this before?” Kylo whispered, nuzzling Hux's cheek.

Hux squirmed.

“Yes. A long time ago, though.”  
  
Oh? That got Kylo’s attention. He pulled back slightly.

“Really? How long ago?”

"Several years ago, I would've been… 11? 12?" Hux ran a hand through his hair, nervously.

Kylo stopped. Pulled back fully. He was sure he must have misheard.

“11 years old? Like, fooling around with another kid, or…?” Kylo asked. 

“No,” Hux shook his head, his expression blank. “An older man. A friend of my father's. I used to go to his house for academic training.”

Kylo felt like a bag of bricks had struck him in the stomach. He was silent for a long time, Hux looking more and more nervous under his gaze.

“Hux…” Kylo said, softly, “why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“You never asked,” Hux replied, quickly, “And you're the first person I've told.”

Kylo had no idea how to respond. He would try to offer comfort, but Hux was acting bizarrely nonchalant about it.

Hux continued in Kylo's silence.

“I went over to his house for training, like I said. And I liked going there because I didn't want to be home, with my father. Sometimes instead of training, though, or afterwards he would- ah, he wanted me to..." Hux mumbled something under his breath, making a vague hand gesture. Kylo winced.

"He said it had to be a secret. That my father couldn't find out, I would be expelled from the academy. But he-” Hux cleared his throat, “He wanted to help me learn, he said he was helping me... So I know a little bit about it. I'm not totally clueless, with- what you want to do. That's all.” Hux crossed his arms.

“He was…” Kylo was bewildered, unable to form words for several moments. “Hux do you not see anything wrong with this?!”

“...I'm sorry.” Hux broke eye contact, looking down, ashamed. Kylo had never heard Hux apologize, before.

“I didn't… I guess it is, I didn't know back then. I should have saved myself for you. I didn't know.” He looked miserable, suddenly.

“Hux, no! No, that's wrong, you didn't do anything wrong.” Kylo wanted to flail his arms or shake Hux back and forth to make him listen. He felt too full of emotion to have a calm conversation like this. “That man was evil- disgusting, for forcing himself on you.”

Hux’s response was immediate, scrambling to sit up.

“He didn't force himself on me! He was a good man, he was trying- he was trying- trying to help...” Hux's eyes were flicking back and forth, unsure of where to stay. He was running through the memories, reliving those moments for the first time in years. _No, Kylo had it wrong_ , he thought, _of course he consented, he had never fought or said no, even if he was scared…_

“Hux, listen to me. I need you to listen to me.” Kylo struggled to keep his voice calm. “He wasn’t a good man. He wasn't trying to help you. You were- you were preyed on, taken advantage of.”

“You’re wrong!” Hux shouted, looking Kylo in the eyes, his own starting to water with tears. “You don't know anything about it, he was just- he-” Hux swallowed, his bottom lip trembling, “I refuse to blame another man for my own weakness.” Hux added, resolutely.   
  
“Your own weakness?! You were twelve!” Kylo shouts, incredulous.

“Then so be it!” Hux shouted back. Silence, for a moment, and Hux put his face in his hands, too ashamed to be seen.

“Hux,” Kylo said, gently, after a moment. He put a hand on Hux’s trembling shoulder, carefully. “What would your reaction be if you found out one of your crew was molesting a child?”  
  
“I’d throw them out the airlock.” Hux spat, disgusted but confused. "Why are you asking me that?"  
  
“And you wouldn’t blame the child, would you?”

“Of course not!” Hux lowered his hands to glare at Kylo. “Why-”

Kylo grabbed Hux’s shoulders and made him look at him.

“Would you have sex with an eleven year old, Hux? Why do you think this is any different?”

“...”

It was too much, and Hux couldn’t lie anymore, even to himself. He started to cry.

Kylo sighed, gathering him into a hug, gently. Hux's composure shattered, and he wailed into Kylo's shoulder. It took several minutes for Hux to speak again. 

“You don’t- You don’t understand-” Hux finally sobbed, still keeping his face pressed into Kylo's embrace.

“I went there because I hated my father so much- and he said he understood, he-” Hux couldn’t finish, his breaths too erratic and panicked, the sobbing garbling his words.

“You’re right, I don’t,” Kylo admitted. He stroked Hux's back in a way he hoped was soothing. “But I know it wasn’t your fault. He manipulated you to feel safe around him. That's unforgivable.” Kylo was shaking himself, from rage.  
  
Hux sounded like he wanted to argue, but he physically couldn’t, and he knew it was true. He continued to sob against him, and Kylo rubbed his back gently.  
  
“I had- I had nightmares, Kylo, for years, about my father finding out. I thought he would kill me. And he likely would. I still- I still have nightmares! I never knew what they were about, but I know now, I know, I-” Hux bowed his head, defeated, tears streaming down his face. 

Kylo was a chaotic mix of emotions. Wrath at the man that did this to Hux. Sadness, guilt for not paying closer attention to Hux’s reactions. An intense feeling of protectiveness, determined to make this right for him. 

It was back to square one, then, Kylo figured. They would have to navigate their relationship carefully from now on, with this information in mind. But that was alright. Kylo would wait until Hux was ready - if he was ready.

Hux’s cries were starting to subside into quiet sniffles. Kylo buried his head in his hair and held him tightly against his chest, silently promising to protect him. He was older now, but still, Kylo would do anything - he never wanted Hux to go through something like that, ever again.

Soon, the only sound in the room was their breathing and the ambient noise of the air conditioning. Hux took a breath.

“...I love you, Kylo.”

Kylo held him tighter against his chest.

“I love you too, Armitage.”

It was the least he could do.

**Author's Note:**

> this is in part inspired by my own experience, not the details but the coming to terms with it. I really like writing things that involve coming to terms with trauma and starting to heal from it. 
> 
> as always, let me know what you think please!


End file.
